i hate my life

i still question and curse reality

what the f**k

i will make a conscious effort not to be profane

what the f**k

how F**KING stupid are we

i have a friend who lost something he thought he had

i am losing something that i never had

we both could be turning into the "who" we used to be

not so pleasant for him

kinda ugly for me

the bad parts of us that we were both able to almost completely let go of

we both reached the summit

we could almost see over the top

we both found there is no point in looking

luckily the fall will be much quicker than the climb

and when we do reach bottom we will know exactly where we are

so someone, please tell me, what the fuck

what's the point when there is no point

and i am actually in a decent mood and quite comfortable with everything i have just written

being good men was nice, just not worth the fucking effort, really not worth it at all

piss off, with love, and to it as well

changes

I, like many Americans, practice my right to keep and bear arms by frequently carrying a concealed handgun. Legally. I paid the fee to take the course that would allow me my states "approval" to practice the aforementioned "right". Little does the state know that I frequently carried a concealed handgun prior to the concealed carry law. The weapon I have carried for years is a Sig Sauer Mosquito. Yes, it does sound silly. It is a .22 caliber semi automatic hand gun. Yes, .22 caliber is very close to shooting a bb gun. Unless, of course, 1 bullet is all you need. Then a .22 caliber handgun is just as deadly as any other. My Sig Sauer Mosquito is a very accurate handgun. I carry it in a Fobus paddle holster that holds it snug and at just the right angle.

I bought a belt this evening. I have not worn a belt since I got out of the army another lifetime ago. The reason I bought the belt is because I am wearing a different holster to accomodate a very different handgun. I am now carrying my Taurus .357 Magnum pistol. An entirely different weapon indeed. Compared to the Mosquito this is pretty much a hand cannon. It also only requires one good shot. The difference is the size of the hole it makes going in and coming out. Unlike the Mosquito which holds 11 rounds my Taurus only holds 7. 7 very large mess making bullets. At this point I should mention that a few months ago I "rearranged" a man's face and thoroughly enjoyed it. I should also mention, for the record, that these past few months I really have tried hard to be a good man.

And right now I am in a very good mood.

I think I will see if I can pick up some Black Talon ammunition.

I just thought you should know.

i can stand the screams
they are mine
my music
my place
in this place
still nothing

i can stand
no more
and no longer lie
i want to feel
not quite dead
again

burying the whores
that marry the dirt
that will never wash away
praying for the blood
that still runs cold

i am standing
loving with the screams
i want them
i need them
loud with my despair
i create them
i own them
i will never let them go

i have taken the souls
that is the key
to my hate
there will be no stopping
there will be no pause
until that last long sigh
and i come home

i will take this stand
and will not be judged
i am the executioner
i am the song
that i will no longer sing

hate me
hurt me
let me taste
let me eat
it is what i am

i stand on top
i will never win
i will never lose
i alone
wear the bones of my dead
i breathe the decay
that makes life worth dying

i thought i killed cupid tonight

i was wrong

cupid killed me

is it the difference
between day and night
that must rule our world

is it about being caught up in the moment
innocently
one Friday night
that ends in a kiss (just one kiss)

and lying in bed that night
thinking
that the kiss was nice

waking up the next morning
afraid of what happened
and how it felt

taking in the daylight
when everything 'else' goes on
that is part of your life

thinking you don't have time
for such a complication
but still find yourself smiling
even if for just a moment
when i call

you don't want to give in
you don't want to think about it
but that kiss was nice
and suddenly you forget to breathe
and want to slow down

because the sun is shining
and you are ever so busy
more and more demands each day

and with all that is going on
everything that is happening
everything that will happen
here i am
arms wide open
day or night